Journey with Della

This morning I woke up with a heaviness in my heart that I could not explain. Within a few minutes of waking up, what felt like a heaviness gradually became a pain so deep seated, my whole body ached from the discomfort it brought. My heart felt as if someone was gradually chopping it away with a razor so sharp it cut right through the connecting tissue and muscle. The resulting pain was simply unbearable and I yearned for relief. Nevertheless I knew that relief would come only after I identified what it was that caused the pain and turned it over to the great physician. So as soon as I could take my focus off the pain and discomfort that came with it, I began my journey down memory lane.

As I advanced on this journey in search of the source of the pain I suffered, doubtless, I uncovered some hurt and disappointment. And although I discovered some amazing things that made me smile,the pain persisted. Then I took a closer look and sure enough there were abandoned dreams, wishes that never became reality, hopes that were dashed, some unexpected successes and surprising failures, wounds inflicted by some people whom I really cared and still care about, pain associated with people whom I would rather believe had no power to cause me any pain at all etc. As each layer was uncovered, I turned it over the Lord and asked for His help in responding appropriately to each one of them. Sure enough, the heaviness lightened, yet the pain remained.

“What am I missing Lord?” I asked desperately. Then I tried to listen but found the pain in my heart kept me from achieving the kind of stillness I needed to hear His voice. So I worshiped and I listened to the reading of His word. I heard Max McClean read the Gospel according to Mark very beautifully and I got useful reminders of the unfailingly truths of God’s word but one truth remained inscribed in my Spirit. “Don’t be afraid; just believe!” (5:36) Recognizing that as the Lord speaking to my situation, I meditated on it for a few minutes then I brought it to bear upon the pain in my heart. At this point it was clear that the pain was fear related and then suddenly, the light bulb came on and I caught a glimpse of the source of the pain. The real issue?

Some months back, God had said “no” to a request I made of Him and although I  accepted that as His sovereign will for me, that “no” had eaten away my ability to trust God otherwise. And so now that I was facing a similar situation and desperately wanted to believe God for a breakthrough, deep down within, I was afraid that He may say “no” again, hence all my expectation was gone. As I considered the implications of the  place I was at, I heard the Lord whisper “forget the past” and I understood exactly what He meant by that. He needed to awaken my spirit to the real condition of my heart in order to set the stage for His intervention. Then I understood in a new way what the Apostle Paul meant when he said in Philippians 3:13 “…forgetting what lies behind, I press on…”

Now I know that letting go of the past means more than letting go of the things that did or did not happen. It means letting go of what the things that did or did not happen did to us. And so with a sigh of relief and some hard work, I turned over my deep seated fears to God. Needless to say that at the time of this posting I already received my miracle.Yet I am amazed that God would take the time to not only help me understand this, but set the stage for the new thing He was about to do. No! On second thought, I realize now that many times I have missed out on what God is doing because I failed to stop and pay attention to the handwriting on the wall – the visible signs that He sends to get our attention and that we so often ignore because we are too busy trying to catch up with the rest of the world (with everyone and everything).

For me it was a heaviness in my heart; for you it may be a headache, a text message, a phone call, your neighbor’s baby crying in the middle of the night, hardship, financial difficulties, or simply that gnawing feeling that something is not the way it should be that you can’t seem to get rid of. Maybe for you, as it was for King Belshazzar, the handwriting is in a language you can’t read. What matters is not your ability to read and understand the handwriting but whether you are paying enough attention to it that will give God access to your mind and heart. As mighty as He is, God can not do for you what you can do for yourself. So if you do not give Him room, He can’t shove anything down your throat.

I am sure glad I paid unhurried attention to the handwriting on the wall!!! Would you?