Journey with Della

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Yesterday I recorded this weeks edition of Me4real’s Be Real Be You that should air on four radio stations in the North West Region of Cameroon this weekend. Continuing an ongoing series on fear, this week’s edition zoomed in on the fear of failure. I have not stopped thinking about that particular fear and how it so easily cripples us to the extend that we don’t even try some things. In order to understand the fear of failure, we must first understand what it means to fail.

Of the over fifteen definitions of the word fail in the dictionary, I chose three which I will briefly discuss here.

This definition brings two things to light about the nature of failure: (1) it presupposes a set standard or expectation, and (2) the standard or expectation could be set by us or by the society in which we live. It borders on the quality of our actions or the extend of our performance in view of the preexisting standard.

Equally suggesting performance against a preset standard, this is the definition with which everyone who has ever been a student is better acquainted with. In this sense, our performance is being graded against the teacher’s standard. The problem with this notion is that in determining whether or not the student fails, other factors like teaching/learning style, mental, psychological and physical state at the time of the exam, mental, psychological and physical state of the teacher during grading etc. are usually not taken into consideration.

This is when failure goes from simply being something that we do to who we become. It is the most dangerous aspect of failure because it impacts our sense of identity and consequently, worth. This is where we start thinking or making statements like “I am a complete failure” “I could never become anything” etc. Unfortunately, I have heard many parents say that of their children. Someone has said;

“watch your thoughts, they become your words
watch your words, they become actions
watch your actions, they become habits
watch your habits, they become character
watch your character, it becomes destiny”

This quote spells the problem with the kind of thinking associated with failure. And it is my believe that this third definition of failure is most responsible for our fear of failure. So why is the fear of failure so crippling?

Two reasons;

1. It threatens our core human need for acceptance. We worry that if we fail, people might ultimately reject us. This thinking wins most times because, unfortunately, people have a track record of judging, accepting or rejecting others based on how well they perform. Hence because performance is exalted over human worth, success has almost become a prerequisite for love and acceptance in most relationships. So I would say that the fear of failure is quite legitimate.

2. It threatens our core human need for significance. Everyone wants to succeed at something in order to be remembered for it. But more than that, everyone wants the affirmation and accolades that come from others when they succeed so the thought that failure could rob them of that could indeed be crippling.

Because of these two (and probably more) reasons, we all, more often than not, ask the question

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And the more we ask it, the bigger the possibility of failure grows and in some cases, the more frozen we become until eventually we lose all that it takes to attempt the task.

How can we overcome this fear of failure?

1. Understand that God made you special and accepts you unconditionally. This is very crucial because our ability to accept ourselves depends on it and it is the extend to which we accept ourselves that shapes how others accept us. When you can rest in the fact that you are loved and accepted unconditionally by the creator of the heavens and the earth, you will overcome your fear of rejection or the need to comply with the expectations of others. It goes contrary to how we have been socialized to reason but it is possible and necessary to find freedom.

2. Stop defining yourself by what others think  of you. The fact that your teacher gave you an F in that assignment makes you no more an F in real life than the fact that you ate a banana makes you a monkey. The things you do are just that – things you do. You must build your identity on who God says you are and He says you are worth dying for. That makes you special. Do not let the identity Jesus died to give you be tainted by the opinions of mere mortals, including you.

One thing remains;

Failure is a necessary part of life. It grows your character and instructs you on the possibilities in life. If you haven’t already, you will fail. Now the question that remains is – what will you do about it?

The choice is 100% yours.