Journey with Della

Photo credits: Steemit

The year was 2005 and I had just received news of yet another close friend getting married. I was genuinely happy for her and had my job not been too demanding would have made time out to be in her bridal train, as she had requested.

As I looked forward to her big day, I remembered the times we had shared together talking and praying about the kinds of men we wanted to marry. Recent conversations with her suggested that she had found in her fiance all but one of the things she desired. It brought a smile to my face to imagine how happy they would be with each other for the rest of their lives.

The more I looked forward to what her reaction to the “you may now kiss the bride” moment on her big day would be, the harder I tried to ignore the gnawing feeling eating at me in the pit of my stomach each time I thought about Darin (my boyfriend at the time and not his real name). I had that sickening feeling that every woman has when something is not quite right in the relationship but was too afraid to confront it.

You see, I knew that what was once a very blissful relationship had hit the rocks through a twisted combination of the strong passion we felt for each other and the brutal distance that separated us. The space that very easily was bridged by phone conversations seemed to get wider with every attempt to talk things through. Each realization of that bitter truth came with an even more desperate attempt to hold on tighter. I knew that the only chance our relationship had was enshrined in my ability to cling tighter. It was either I did all that I could, and more, to hold fast to it or else …

Photo credits: Freepik

It was the alternative represented by these three dots that threatened the life out of me.
In them lay the source of my captivity to a relationship I knew was not what I deeply desired
In them, the monster of my deepest fear found its nourishment and grew bigger with each minute that they hung ghostly over what I desperately wanted to be my happily ever after
In refusing to lean into those three dots, I was choosing to nurture a tree that was flawed at its roots and hoping that somehow it would regain life and yield the fruits my feeble heart needed to be whole

“to be whole” – that was the real reason why I dreaded seeing the truth about my relationship.

I had invested so much time and emotional capital into making this relationship work that I did not know who I would be without it.
I had played tandem with it for so long that “Darin’s wife” had come to be the only identity I knew
We had talked about getting married and spending the rest of our lives together and I had played the scenes from our yet-to-be-lived future so many times that it had become my reality – my ONLY reality
Everything in me had come to be wrapped around that “reality” so much so that I was sure everything would unravel without it
All that came before Darin had prepared me for that relationship and I had to do everything in that moment to make that future the best “happily ever after” I deserved, or so I thought.

So I worked harder to hold on to him because without him the me I knew would be hollow! Empty! Incomplete! Impossible!

I know what you are thinking right now. How could she believe that lie? That is not true! Well, in hindsight, I know that to be a lie but back then, it was TRUTH, my truth. The truth that defined both me and my actions. I am sure a few people, and even my mind, tried to help me see it. Sadly, my heart disagreed vehemently with my mind and everyone else on that. And so I held on. Striving ever harder as dictated by my three dots. MY TRUTH!

Consequently, I know better than to try to sell you the same pitch. But I have to say that ME, the 2005 me, flaws and all, made me the ME I am today. Although I would like to think that the today ME is flawless and wise, I can’t! However, I can confidently say that the ME today is wiser as a restul of the things it has learned from that ME. Seeing that this is a post about singlehood, here’s what that ME has helped me see:

• A fussy sense of identity might be the real reason why you are struggling with being a single man/woman. And who would blame you? We are raised to believe that the only sign of maturity is getting married and starting a family. Everything else is good to have but this is THE ONLY MEASURE of our significance. Well, now I know that to be a partial truth thanks to the 2005 ME.
• If your gut suggests that something is not right in or about that relationship, it probably is! But here’s the thing – something is just as wrong with/about you as it is about/with him or her. The human tendency is to assume that they, not us, must be the ones responsible for your deepest fear. Whenever two individuals in a relationship stop letting themselves be changed, unmade and remade into better versions of themselves, the relationship is headed for the rocks. You can quote me on that! This was just as true for Darin as it was for me but I was completely clueless about it.
• Our cultures raise us to embrace a life script with different versions/meanings of the three dots. Underneath the fear of losing my identity that fed the desperation to hold on to what I know today to be an unhealthy relationship, was a life script that said I had to get married in my early (latest mid) twenties or else I would be incomplete and my life would be empty and void of meaning. You are probably thinking that you are too …(fill in the blanks – maybe smart, modernized, intelligent, etc.) to believe anything that glaringly naive. Well, what are your three dots? Unless you define your three dots, you will be just as clueless as I was back then while being controlled my them simultaneously.
• That significant other is only a part of your identity. Please do not hear what I did not say. Am I saying that your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend etc. is not part of who you are? No! Am I saying that all the single men and women should focus on constructing an identity for themselves that does not include any other person in order to be happier? Absolutely not! I am saying that the simple fact that you have not found them (or they you) YET neither makes you incomplete, hollow, empty, insignificant nor any less special than you already are.

NOW WHAT?

Photo credits: Agape Christian Counseling Services

First of all, spend some time thinking about this question. Look for essence more than activity. In other words, if you take away the things you do daily, what is left? Who are you at the core? Write down what you come up with.

Photo Credits: Psychology Today

Secondly, make yourself a cup of tea (or your favorite beverage) and find a comfortable spot. Put on the robe of your activity – the same one you took off in the previous exercise. How does that robe feel in light of who you are? Does it fit? Why or why not?

 If it fits, congratulations!!! You will be ready for marriage when the time comes.

If it doesn’t fit then you need a new robe. Carefully think through the kind of robe that will fit the person you described. When there is discord between who you are and what you do, fulfillment will remain out of your reach. The emotional tension that arises from that will likely keep you grasping for external things to fill the void.

When all is said and done, you were created with a unique identity the essence of which is determined neither by what you do or what happens to you but by WHO made you. 

Have you met that YOU?