Journey with Della

My brow furrowed as I tried to chew on it. The taste was not what I had anticipated. Immediately, my right brain and left brain got into a tussle.

Left brain: Yuck!!! Spit it out. You know you should not be eating that!

Right brain: Wait a minute! It definitely tastes like nothing you have ever eaten before. That If you stick with it long enough, it would certainly make sense.

So, stick with it, searching my repertoire of tastes to find one to connect it to.

I wonder what it tastes like, I heard myself say as I chewed on rather cautiously. a few seconds turned into a minute and then two. My mouth was filling up with saliva at about the same speed that my gut was rising with disgust for the taste of the substance that kept my molars busy.

The disgust quickly overwhelmed all my efforts to make it make sense. I ran to the bathroom as quickly as I could and spat it into the sink. Returning to the kitchen, I poured water and tried to flush my mouth. Yet try as hard as I did, I could not get rid of the horrible taste that now left me sick to my stomach. It took an electric toothbrush to remove the residue from my teeth.

I stood there for a while starring at my face still very confused by the ugly taste that I had tried to make sense of. My rational brain finally kicked in to state the plain truth – you just chewed on one peanut (groundnut) that is almost 3 years old and you are surprised that it tastes ugly?

Two emotions are triggered – embarrassment and grief! Now that I have my brain back, I choose to let grief win. And immediately my brain shoots back – No! It’s not just nuts!! It is more than nuts!!!

How? You wonder?

Well, few weeks before he passed, my dad sent me another supply of patched “contri groundnut” (My graffi guys, wuna feel me?) For several years after he found out how much I loved this delicacy, he made it his duty to replenish my supply. He selected every batch himself before and after it was patched. And each time I called to acknowledge receipt we would have a conversation about life and the little things that make a big difference.

Make sure you do little things for those around you, he would caution. The day you grow too big for little acts of service, you outgrow your usefulness to humanity.

After his funeral, I returned to the last bottle that he had sent to me a week before he passed. Eating little bits of it daily helped me enormously in the early days of grief. When I got afraid of exhausting them, I would throw a few pieces into my mouth every week. Eventually, I decided that I never wanted them to run out, so I kept these away. Occasionally, I would pick up the container, open it up and throw a piece or two into my mouth.

So you see why I threw that nut into my mouth despite the fact that it has been here for almost three years! They are still sitting on the same spot where I placed them before throwing that piece into my mouth. And now that I know that they are no longer good for human consumption I will simply go back into the kitchen, pick up that container and empty them into the trash can. Right?

Wrong!

Are you crazy? You might be thinking. And you would be right in thinking that but still, I will do no such thing.

But that doesn’t make sense, you reason.

I know but still, I won’t.

Why?

Because it’s not just nuts!

And thus my journey with grief continues.