Journey with Della

When my friend and I set out for our long awaited adventure last week, the last thing on my mind was learning a new lesson. It was a time to relax and experience something refreshing and reviving. Wearied by the realities of life as students in SoCal, we had decided we needed to unwind with some fun activity. After waiting a little over a week, the day had finally arrived and we were both ecstatic about what lay ahead. Our enthusiasm began to fade shortly after we arrived at the ranch. The smell of horse poop reeked all around us and we never could find any fresh air to breathe. But we were determined to do this; it had cost us some money and we were going to make the most of it. Thus we zipped through the paper work and could hardly wait for the two hour ride to begin.

Finally, with helmets in place and with a little help from the ranch workers, we were seated on our horses, ready for the adventure to begin. My horse was called Tracer, one of those reserved for beginners like me. Not up to five minutes into the ride, I realized that the ride would not quite be what I had expected. Tracer chose to walk right on the edge of every cliff on the trail despite frantic efforts to steer him away from there. Although our tour guide assured me that the horse would never go over the cliff, I was not about to have a four legged mammal keep me at a place so uncomfortable that I was missing out on all the fun I had expected to have. So I did what we had been told to do when we wanted the horse to change directions – tug on the reins in the direction opposite to the one I wanted the horse to go – over and over and over, still to no avail. Still Tracer would not stay away from the cliff so yielding to my natural instincts, I started leaning away from the cliff. Yet even this final attempt to stay safe on the back of this mammal only left me more frightened as a result of the tour guide’s explanation in response.

“Horses respond to pressure in opposite directions, so if you lean away it might think that you want it to go over the edge so try to stay stable.” Now I am thinking, but what if it goes over the edge anyway? I mean this is just a mammal right? No one would expect me to trust my life to something that can’t even understand my language much less speak right? Was I supposed to do some research on this prior to this ride? I must have asked our tour guide a thousand times (well, if you add the times when I just thought about it but couldn’t say it for fear of making her mad) if it was safe to trust the horse. Her answer was always a reassuring and resounding “yes.” “The horse doesn’t want to get in danger or kill itself anymore than you do so just relax and enjoy the ride,” was the explanation she gave every time I or another rider popped the question which was on everyone’s mind.

About 30 minutes into the ride I realized that my hopes of making the horse follow tracks where I felt safe were already dashed and my money would be too if I did not change my attitude towards the horse and the ride. So gradually but surely I decided to trust Tracer and just let go of all my control issues. Almost immediately, what barely a few minutes ago seemed like the worst and most nerve-wracking experience of my life became the most fun filled and relaxing one. As soon as I took my mind off where I wanted to be and let the horse take me through this trail it had traveled more times than our guide could count, I started to notice the beautiful scenery, feel the breeze and dance to the movement of the horse’s hind feet beneath me. More than that, I could relax and let go of the tension that was causing my muscles to ache and just be carried higher and higher up the trail in ways I had not even imagined before.

All of a sudden it occurred to me that although this was the first time a horse had carried me up a mountain slope this close to the edge, it was not the first time I felt the frustration that comes with being on the edge. In my life, living on the edge was not a new phenomenon at all. Financially, emotionally, mentally and otherwise, I have found myself on the edge more times than I can count. Living on the edge is an integral part of my journey with the Lord through life and just like realizing that riding on the edge was more Tracer’s choice than mine and that he stayed close to the edge because that is where it felt safest helped me enjoy my horse ride that day, I knew I needed to come to terms with my Shepherd’s ability to sustain me in the places where He took me. So I learnt a few things from this horse ride about living life on the edge.

1. You do not get to the edge by choice but by the bidding of Him who not only leads the way but carries you through rugged edges to the places that are safest for you.
2. Even when He takes me too close to the edge for my comfort, I can trust His ability to keep me safe there.
3. My chances of making it on this hike up the mountains were better sitting on my horse’s back  than going on my own so trusting him who is carrying me is my best shot at making it through life.
4. Being on the edge rids me of all me-confidence and births fresh new God-confidence that I need to be everything that He made me to be.
5. My carrier knows how close is too close and will ensure that I am safe throughout the trip if and only if I can TRUST HIM WITH MY LIFE.

I don’t know about you but I like to think of myself as someone who trusts the Lord with everything. As you would imagine, my horse back ride revealed some ugly truths about the extent of my “trust.” Before going on that horse I was thankful for something called the reins that can always make the horse do what I want it to do. But my insecurity was a combination of discomfort at being in a place that did not match my definition of safe and my doubts about the safety of what I considered safe. In other words I was not sure that forcing Tracer to go where I wanted it to go was the best and safest option for both of us. What if I made it go there only to find that that part of the trail was not as safe as being on the edge? Worse still, what if my horse actually got frustrated by my insistence on having it my way and (God forbid) lifted both forelimbs in retaliation? Did I really know this horse and this trail enough to insist on my own way? The simple answer to that question is no.

So although I did not want to, I had to admit that Tracer knew better and was worthy of my trust. That was the only option open to me and I am glad I embraced it. In embracing this, I found freedom and liberty not just throughout the rest of the ride but in my daily reality. I realized that God, not life, has me on the edge and in some very uncomfortable places right now and rather than keep seeking deliverance out of those places and insisting on my own way, I chose to trust God with my life on the edge where He has me. Do I still feel like my heart is sinking into my stomach sometimes and I may not make it up the trail and back? Absolutely! But every one of those feelings only serve to remind me that He who has me on the edge has not abandoned me but is in fact committed to carrying me to safety. And unlike what I like to think very often, there are no options!!! He is indeed THE ONLY WAY. Our walk with God should not be about tugging on the reins every now and then to make Him do or give us what we want. It should be about trusting Him COMPLETELY to do with us according to His good pleasure.

It may have taken a horse to embed this reality in my spirit but I am sure thankful I got it. Are you on the edge? Trust Jesus! He has you and is committed to your safety for your good, the good of others around you but more importantly, for HIS GLORY. So, STAY ON THE EDGE!!! Surrender all desire to be in control. Yeah, this is really what this is about – being in control. You couldn’t even know what to do if you were given full control so let it go. Release all control of the reins to Him who knows best, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. If you need to go horse back riding to fully grasp this, then do it!!!

So what did a horse teach me? How to live life on the edge!