Journey with Della

I broke my principle about Candy Crush boosters, again. Years ago when I fell in love with the game, I promised myself that while I really enjoyed it (those who know me know what a special relationship we have), I would never spend any money to purchase boosters. I would wait for each new day to bring me new boosters and win my levels with those only.

So, here I was a few weeks ago sitting on my bed in disbelief at the fact that I just spent $2.99 on Candy Crush. How could I? Despite all the promises I made myself? It was not about whether or not I could afford it. It was more about the reality that I had broken a personal principle again. The first time, it had only been $.99 but still… The more I thought about it all, the more evident it became that given the right circumstances, I too am capable of anything. Ouch!!!

You see, I like to think of myself as a principled individual who gives thought to each step she takes even in things like this. Yet, this purchase was far from thoughtful. In fact, it was informed by nothing but spur-of-the-moment yearnings. That not withstanding, even this seemingly random action was rooted in something deeper. So why did I do it, really?

1. Consumed by passion: In simple terms, I love playing Candy Crush. In that moment, I was reveling in the bliss afforded by over an hour of uninterrupted play and loving every minute of it. Any Candy Crush lovers out there? Don’t you just sometimes wish that you had endless lives and didn’t have to lose one each time you failed a level? Well, I had used up all my lives and the surreal fondness I enjoyed was under threat. It was either I spent the money or be unable to keep playing. Without thinking, I chose the former because passion can be that strong.
2. Pure Instinct: When faced with the choice, there was no thought process that went into it. There was no time spent trying to weigh my options and/or figure out what clicking the purchase button would mean to my wallet, to my person. What would that say about me? In that moment, only one thing drove me – instinct. Informed by the passion and love I have for the game, my instinct won and the purchase was made before I had time to even consider what had just happened.
3. Desire to Win: Did my love for the game push me in this direction? Of course! And did my raw instincts take it to the finish line? Absolutely! But if I am being entirely honest, then I have to admit that underneath it all, there as equally a strong desire to win. Again for lovers of the game, you must be familiar with those mini races you get to run in order to win blocks which can then be used to purchase boosters when need arises. I was in the race, and very close to winning. Ever heard the saying failures are people who never realized how close they were to winning when they quit? This is probably my paraphrase of the original saying (I don’t have time to research it, sorry!). Well, it suffices to say that I was too close to victory to quit and the lack of moves was not going to get in the way of my snatching those 5 blocks.

In the end, I won!!! Oh how good it felt to get the prize. Not third place. Not even second place. But first place. That felt very good. It made the $2.99 all worth it. I celebrated and rejoiced in the moment. Accomplishment is a feel-good thing. It doesn’t matter whether it is the business contract, or the diploma with honors, or the job you have labored many years to secure, or even just first place in a mini race on Candy Crush. If you have felt it, you know what I mean.

Right after taking home my prize, the prompt to join the next race popped up on my screen. That was the moment of truth. What was I going to do? Was I going to join another race? Of course! It is these races that make the game so much more fun. So, the decision to join the race was easy. And the bliss of that last victory faded as quickly as it came. I was in another race now. The last one no longer mattered. The playing field had been leveled. Once again, it was anyone’s race. The only thing that would determine whether or not I win this new race would be how well I played and not whether or not I won the last one.

The more challenging question? How far was I ready to go and how much was I ready to spend to win this next one? In that moment, I realized why I had principles governing things like this in the first place. Life can very quickly become a hamster wheel of exertion with little or no eternal reward. Was I going to give this game permission to plunge me into an endless roller coaster of good and not-so-good feelings or was I going to remember my principles, take charge and be the boss of my emotions and wallet? But hey, don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with spending money on a hobby like Candy Crush. But when you look back and it becomes clear that you would not have done it had the circumstances been different, it is an impulse to be taken pretty seriously.

So, what does this have to do with leadership?

1. Beware what you feed your instincts: When under pressure, most leaders are going to make decisions informed purely by their instincts (or their gut) and while some people like to mystify this part of the human psyche into some monster over which no one has any control, our instincts will only take us in the direction we have (consciously or unconsciously) fed them over the years. Do you want to choose where your instincts take you when the pressure gauge spikes? Choose what you feed them (your values, beliefs, priorities, worldview, etc.) carefully. Always ensure that they don’t begin and end with you. There are bigger ends to be served by/through the leadership roles we are entrusted with. Ensuring that these ends are reflected in the things that matter to us demands intentionality.
2. Pay attention to how badly you want the things that you want: Before this Candy Crush purchase, I could never have believed that winning a mini race was that important to me. Needless to say that I was shocked to realize how desperately I wanted that prize which in hindsight makes no sense. Why would I spend money to get what the money already got me? Right!? Well, even our most legitimate desires can lead us in the wrong direction when care is not taken. When we want anything so badly that getting it becomes all that matters, even things that would serve the interests of those that we lead, we are walking the thin line between winning for personal gain and winning for the sake of those we lead. It is always one to tread cautiously lest we end up using those we lead for something as petty as personal gratification.

One thing stands out in this story – even when we are not thinking, we are making decisions out of who we are. These decisions, based on the values we hold, are therefore a window into our own hearts. And if what they say about hindsight being 20/20 is true, then one can surmise that the degree to which we have achieved authenticity can be measured by the amount of discordance between the decisions we make out of pure instinct and those that are carefully thought through. Judging by this, we all have some growing up to do.

I have found the simple phrase …and then what to be very useful in helping me drill down to the essentials in my life and leadership. Those three simple words, when put together, help me purify my goals and refocus my efforts and attention on the things that matter the most thereby inching me closer to authenticity.