Journey with Della

Is it that you have never desired to be married?

The 39, Single and Happy Series

Desire is a strong word. It’s a big word. It’s equally a very pregnant word. It’s an important word that affects everything in every sphere of life. It is that feeling that leaves you utterly helpless and vulnerable when you can’t have something that you want very desperately. The one-word answer to the desire question would be “no’. My singleness is not because I have never desired to be married. At the same time, I know that those who ask this are not looking for a single word so here goes the long answer.

As a matter fact from when I was only 12 years old, getting married was something I really really desired but in a rather twisted way. I grew up with some older cousins who would occasionally send me on errands to their “boyfriends” at the time. Although no one had ever really taken the time to have “the talk” with me, I remember from that tender age just wondering why one person would send me to multiple guys. I sincerely wondered if it had to be that way. So when I was 12 my prayer about my marriage was “God please when it is my turn to get married lead me to THE right person” and with this prayer came my DESIRE for Mr. Right and him only. 😊

Fast forward a few years into my late teens, I had made up my mind to not get involved in any relationships because I was preserving myself for my Mr. Right. And when I was 19 getting into university that desire grew stronger leading to my version of “the list”. You know? The list of qualities that I would want in a husband. Come on now, don’t act as if you have never had yours.😂 Well, I had mine. Unfortunately I can’t share everything that was on the list with you here (buzz me if you really want to know and I might reconsider lol) but besides some really deeply spiritual and legit things, I remember thinking I don’t want somebody who is too tall.😂 (no offense, short guys!) So, yeah! At that time, my DESIRE morphed into my list of qualities the husband to be would have to possess.

In my early 20s my DESIRE for marriage grew exponentially and somehow, I knew “something” was around the corner. I remember how songs like Celine Dion’s I will always love you and Shania Twain’s From this moment started catching my attention on the radio. (Oh please, don’t judge me 🤪) With each smile that they evoked, I knew that I was more ready for “relationships” with the opposite sex than I had ever been at any other time in my life. But even then my prayer remained some version of “OK Lord if I’m ready please bring me just the right person.” That led into a relationship that lasted a few years and about which I’m going to spare you the details here😊. But hey leave me a comment if you want to hear it and I will be glad to share all about it especially the lessons I learned.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the fact that I’m still single proves that the relationship didn’t lead to marriage like I had desired. When I called it off I remember feeling so broken, shattered and even wondering if I would ever be capable of loving another man. But time always works its magic, right? Well, maybe not always. Anyhow, my heart healed and again in my late 20s into early 30s my DESIRE for marriage became even stronger. I don’t think the desire to be married has ever been that strong in any other season in my life, actually. In fact it was so strong that it led to, well let’s just call it a CRUSH, for lack of a better word😉. Yup, you read that right! That, however, is a story for another day. But, yeah! I think I wrestled the most with being single in my late 20s and into my early 30s. That DESIRE was so all-consuming that I decided to take matters into my own hands. If the men were going to be so lousy and slow, I would be the man and get the ball rolling🙈. So, you can officially add me to your list of “those women” hehe.

I mean, what is the big deal with that anyway? When I did it, I saw nothing wrong with it. I was falling in love with this guy and didn’t want to let my heart go too far if he wasn’t feeling the same. Having that conversation seemed completely harmless to me. There are many things I enjoy doing. Sitting around and wondering/guessing whether a man is into me is not one of them. So, in my very matter-of-fact, cut-to-the-chase, stop-beating-about-the-bush way, I confronted him about what he felt for me😎. Anyways, let’s not get too far down that rabbit hole.

In my mid 30s was when I confronted the harsh reality that I may never get married. I think I was probably 34 or 35 at the time. Given that the DESIRE had remained and would ocassionally cast me violently into pits of self-pity I decided that I needed to deal with it for good. How?

Well, I basically I asked myself one question what would happen if you never get married? And I probed every answer that I gave myself until the fear associated with the probability that I could be single all my life was gone. (If such fear is something that you deal with often, I would be glad to share with you how I successfully confronted, dealt with and overcame that fear in my life. Just leave me a message in the comments section.)

After that exercise, which I had to repeat consistently over the period of a few months, something weird started happening to me. I started being very happy about being single. I was so ecstatic and content with my life that I came very close to choosing celibacy for life. In fact, I think I would still opt for that if it were entirely up to me. I will tell you the story of why I didn’t choose celibacy another time. But it is almost magical how confronting the fear of never getting married helped me see the gift that singleness actually is. I looked at the life I was living and all of a sudden I knew that that life was easier because I was single. Hence the DESIRE plummeted to almost zero in my mid 30s.

And now in my late 30s (this almost sounds wrong to say because I turn 40 very soon) I have to say that the DESIRE to be married has remained mainly because I know that it is part of God’s plan for me. Interestingly, I find those same songs that used to make my heart smile in my 20s quite laughable now. I find myself talking back at some of the lyrics when I overhear them from time to time. I say things like that’s not true; are you kidding me? What?!?!?😱 I have felt scandalized a few times but there are still some which ring true though😉. There are times when the DESIRE comes pretty strongly though like the one time when I got home late, hungry/tired and spiraled into … Let me not get ahead of myself🤩. I will save all my self-pity stories for the part of the series devoted to that.

So as you can see, the fact that I’m still single has nothing to do with the lack of the desire to be married. So, why am I still single? Well, come back next week for part two. It just MIGHT shed more light on that!😉 (Don’t you just hate but when someone does this?)

Thanks for stopping by today. Feel free to share this if you think it might help another fellow single traveler on life’s road. I will see you next Saturday for Part Two: Really being in love. If you missed Part Zero: What took you so long? You can find it here.