Journey with Della

Question: Have you ever really been in love?

The 39, Single and Happy Series

It is almost always automatic. After hearing about my desire for marriage those who are surprised that I am still single want to know if I have ever really been in love. The emphasis here is always on the “really” 😊

Oh love! Love! That emotion! That choice! That decision! The emotion that leaves you feeling as empowered as it leaves you feeling vulnerable. The choice that makes you smile as much as it makes you cry all in the same breath. The decision that brings as much joy and laughter as it does sorrow and hurt. So deep, so real, so freeing and so beautifully intertwined with pain in a wonderful bond of meaning and significance.

The people who ask me whether I have ever really been in love imagine that if only I had ever really tasted of this precious gem I probably would be married today. Well from my little prelude about love in the preceding paragraph would you say I have ever been in love?🤔

My adventures into love or romance started after college. Having preserved myself successfully through secondary, high school and university I knew when I was ready for love. Remember the horny romantic tunes on the radio catching my attention in my last post? That as my clue that I was ready for love. Increasingly, I’d catch myself smiling at some of the lyrics, humming some of the melodies, even laughing out loud at thoughts of sharing a feeling so deep and so inexplicable with another. This must be what Eve felt in that moment when the Bible says about her that she “…saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise...” I am no theologian and have probably abused that text but well, you get what I am trying to say.

Somehow, my heart was being drawn by love as if to say my eye had finally caught a glimpse of the forbidden fruit. So what did I do? I intentionally started seeking God about it, well him. Unlike just praying when I was younger, this time the command I obeyed was “watch and pray.”🤭 You know? As in pray with your eyes open? And sure enough, in just a matter of months after graduating from university, a series of events (which I don’t have time to narrate) brought me to who I thought would be my Mr. Right.

Ours was a love like none other. It still makes me smile just thinking about the bond we shared. I remember wondering how is it possible to love and be loved this much? This thought crossed my mind at least three times a day. We met under some very interesting circumstances the details of which I will reserve for the few curious cats reading this. But before I met him I knew I would love him. In fact I think it is appropriate to say I was already in love with him before we even met. It is weird! Or should I say I am weird like that? 🤷🏾‍♀️ Oh well!

I still remember the day I saw him for the first time. He was everything I imagined he would be and more. We were in a love relationship and loving it. Ours was an adventure through some very unique set of circumstances but none of the difficulties we were facing could stand the force or our love. We completed each other sentences. It was almost as if we knew what each other was thinking whenever we interacted and even when we were away from each other. OK let me share a few things that would give you an idea of the depth and richness of the chemistry we shared.🙈

On one occasion I had wanted to call him so badly I took out my phone knowing I didn’t have any air time and dialed his number anyway. You know how it goes. You dial, the automated voice tells you that you do not enough airtime to make this call, you sigh, get really irritated and then slowly put your phone away. This time, however, as soon as I turned to put my phone back into my purse, it started to ring. Guess who it was! Yes you guessed right! It was him! You think that is spooky yet? Wait until you hear the first question he asked me after I answered the phone. He said, “Hey did you just try to call me?” 🤨 Yeah, I was freaked out myself but thrilled at the same time. Talk about chemistry!

For a little perspective, this was in the days before the automated ping that phone companies in Cameroon now send to the person you are attempting to call and this was not even a local call. It was an international call and even now, international numbers do not get pinged by that automated service. So how do you explain that? All say chemistry!

On another occasion I had notified him I would be out of network for at least three weeks. He knew not to try to reach me because I was unreachable. Well one day we had a surprise outing and as soon as we got to an area that had coverage my phone rang. 😳 You guessed the right again! It was him again! Surprised, I asked why he had tried calling me at that time. His reply? “well does it really matter? I just thought I would check on you.”

I could go on and on and on about so many other things that happened. I was in love. Swept off my feet entirely and loving every moment of it. You know how I knew that I was really in love? Well, I just knew 😜

But this thing called love though. It is a feeling when you are swept off your feet and have nothing but butterflies in your stomach. It becomes a choice when you start noticing some things about him that you don’t quite like. Then it becomes a decision when you weigh all the odds and decide it is him nonetheless. That is when the two are ready for forever.

So, yeah! I’ve lived it. I’ve experienced it. I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve fought for it. I’ve held on to it when all around me thought I was crazy. I’ve even written songs and poetry about it. For as long as it lasted I was deeply convinced that he was the one for me. We talked about the future. Our future. He was ready to be married and so was I. In fact we got engaged. (Shhhh) We talked about how many kids we were going to have. We talked about how we were going to live our lives and what we would do after we retire. We even had our favorite movie – The Fighting Temptations – and like Darin and Lily we knew that not even we could change what was meant to be. 🤩It was all planned out. We were ready to be married and couldn’t wait.

So why didn’t we?

Well that’s a story for another day. But let’s just say a few circumstances stopped us from getting married when we wanted to. And the longer we waited for time to sort things out and to finally bring us together in a loving union which our families would celebrate, some things began to surface. Soon, we started drifting apart, slowly. In the place of butterflies in my stomach, creepy caterpillars showed up highlighting every possible fear for a marriage gone wrong. Deep conviction was slowly eroded by huge questions and doubts. Chilling cold replaced the warmth his love brought to my heart. 😰

And so what started off as the most loving and enjoyable romance ended in heartbreak and separation. It was my idea to call it off. I didn’t do it because I had fallen out of love with him, though. That as the weird thing. Deep down inside, I still loved him. Neither did I do it because it was easy. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. The only reason I did it was because I considered what it was going to cost me going forward. The things that mattered to me were more important than the title marrying him would earn me. It had lasted over five years and I was terrified to start over. At the same time I knew that marrying him would place me on a path through life that was not compatible with who I was on the inside. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand how I could have missed so much for all those years. Oh well! One thing was certain and I knew that I could no longer afford to follow his leadership through the remainder of my life. And so as hard as it was I knew I had to end. And end it, I did.

It took a while to heal and yeah, it is fair to say that my approach to relationships and love after that has been rather cautious. I could share about a few other experiences with love but you get the picture. My being single today is not because I’ve never been in love. I have been in relationships where the guy was ready to commit and move on to the next chapter of our lives together and I have been in the other kind as well. You know? The neither nor kind where the guy just hovers around you with no clear statement and eventually mutters the “we are just friends” when you confront them about it? Annoying! 🙄Still makes me roll my eyes to remember those.

Fact is I have been in love and somehow I managed to not make a decision that I would regret. Would I change anything if I had my life to do over? Probably not. When I look back I don’t look back with regret. I’m still as convinced today as I was then that ending those relationships was the right thing to do. And so I enjoy my prolonged season of singleness and I celebrate each day because I know that it comes with unique privileges that can only be enjoyed by those who receive it with gratitude. 😇

So if I have known both desire and love, why on God’s earth am I still single? The journey continues. Come back next week for Part 3: Children