Journey with Della

Question: Don’t you want to have your own children?

The 39, Single and Happy Series

The people who ask me this question do so not only because they know that my Christian values prohibit having children out of wedlock but equally because they know how much I love kids and how much kids love me 🥰 My love for kids dates back many years. I am not sure what it is about them that is so special but I find these little humans irresistible. I cherish the opportunities I have had to baby sit for and nurture the kids of family and friends. Somehow I am able to establish a special connection with them so deep that I end up being their favorite aunty 😊 mostly.

Time fails me to talk about all the numerous dreams I have had about raising my own kids. I have imagined everything from the way I would wear their hair to how I would win their trust as children. I have replayed what my relationship with my teenage children would look like more times in my mind than I can remember. From before I started dreaming about and praying for my future husband, children occupied a central place in my plans for the future.

I think that procreation is one of life’s greatest mysteries. I have read a lot about pregnancy, looked at the developmental stages of the baby in the womb and I think it’s really amazing. How a tiny little human gets formed out of nothing but an egg and sperm and slowly grows in the woman’s womb until becomes a full human is just beyond my mind’s ability to comprehend. And I imagine it must be really amazing experience to have.

As much as I love kids, I can’t quite remember a time when the possibility that I may never have kids crossed my mind let alone made me sad. Even after having numerous surgeries and being told by doctors and other medical professionals to conceive while I could in order to prevent further development of cysts, I remember thinking to myself yeah, right! And you know how it is, right? They talk about the need for you to conceive and then they remind you about the biological clock which is ticking as well as the fact that men can have children at any age but women have a window within which they are fertile etc. I have heard it all including those who in their efforts to comfort me try to remind me that God is able to give me children even in my old age just like He did for Sarah. (😇 this girl has suffered 😉)

To answer the main question I would say yes, I would love to have children of my own someday but no, I don’t think that the desire to have kids is sufficient reason to marry just anyone. I say this for two reasons. (1) Without the right foundation, children can actually impose significant strain on a marriage. I know a few marriages which rather than be strengthened by the blessing of children have actually crumbled. (2) Conception is not the only way to have and raise children. You guessed rightly. I am a strong believer in adoption. In fact it might be fair to say that I already have children 😳 Huh? Say what?

Well, not the kind where the birth certificate names me as the mother, of course, but children nonetheless. For as long as I can remember, I have always thought to myself there are already too many motherless children in the world. What is the big deal about having more? But don’t get me wrong. I do believe and hope that I get the pregnancy experience someday because like I already said, I think it is pretty awesome. At the same time, adopted children are just as precious as birth children. Adopting kids from different cultures has always been a desire of mine and I can’t wait to see that dream come true.

I think my desire for children has evolved as I have gotten older. In my early 20s having children wasn’t something I wanted immediately I got married. And then as I got into my mid and late 20s I remember thinking that I should have my first child within the first two years of marriage. And of course as I have gotten even older and am now closer to 40 I imagine myself conceiving during my honeymoon.🤫 But you know, honeymoons only come after marriage and since this is a series about my prolonged season of singleness whose end may or may not come before Jesus returns or I go to meet him, 😉 I continue to extend my love for children to those whom life brings my way while looking forward to those whose birth certicates would actually name me as the mother.

The more I interact with children of different ages amidst the growing complexity and real life challenges of the 21st century, the more compassion I have for parents and the more I tremble at the huge responsibility of bringing another human into this world. If I got married and could conceive and bear my own child it would be amazing. But at this stage in my life I think even if I never have the privilege of carrying a baby in my womb I’ll still be as capable as everyone else of loving and caring for any child. Every day I pray for the motherless babies in the world. I think about and pray for those who do not have fathers as well and I read all the research about the dangers of raising children in single parent homes.

The dangers I tremble at, however, are the dangers of raising children in a loveless home which happens to be the reality of more children than we realize. As a counselor I have worked with many people whose trauma is rooted in childhoods empty of love. I say this while fully aware of the complexities of this thing called love especially when one is dealing with multiple generations with often conflicting expectations.

I conclude this post with deep gratitude in my heart for the reality that the overwhelming desire to have children of my own which I realize can indeed push and has actually forced many into relationships that they regret is not an issue to me. And while I keep the possibility of one day marrying Mr. Right open, I know that the children in the world who need my motherly affection and nurturing need it NOW. Hence I do not wait until marriage to have compassion for, nurture, protect, and release children to their God-ordained destinies. I sincerely believe that every woman is a mother and as long as there is life they will be children who need our TLC (tender loving care). I am, therefore, not waiting to be married to become a mother. I already am and I try to love the children that life brings my way with all the love I have to give. And about birth certificates that name me as the mom, let’s just say that is not an impossibility from where I currently stand.

I am stoked that you are still reading😇. What has your experience with the desire for children of your own been as a single woman? Come back next Saturday if you can for Part 4: Loneliness.