Journey with Della

Question: Are you not lonely?

The 39, Single and Happy Series

Loneliness!

It is one of those words whose echo you can almost always hear every time you say it.

Lonelinesssssssssssssss

Mere mention of the word brings up different images for different people. Although its meaning often seems obvious, I think it is one of the most misunderstood and misused words in the dictionary of emotional terms. Are you not lonely? People often ask me in conversations about my singleness. Their assumption very often being that because I have no husband I must be very lonely. 😊In order for anything I have to say about this to make sense, I must distinguish between three words – aloneness, solitude, and loneliness.

Aloneness – the state of being alone. This could either be by choice or by obligation.

Solitude – the art of carving out space and time to be alone with oneself. Think of it more like a date with oneself. Current psychological research shows that solitude is crucial to emotional health and overall wellness

Loneliness – an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation. This distress and discomfort occur when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and the actual experience of it.

I am sure you can see it already. Assuming that I am lonely simply because I am single is faulty at best and fundamentally flawed at worst. Not everyone who is alone in lonely in much the same way that not everyone who is surrounded by others is not lonely. In fact, some of the most lonely people I know spend their time in the company of others. I have interacted with many married people in different seasons of their relationship who are struggling with loneliness. I guess what I am tying to say is that all human beings, single or married, are vulnerable to loneliness. 

Does this mean that I don’t struggle with loneliness as a single woman? Absolutely not. It would be dishonest to make that claim. My most recent brush with the loneliness monster happened just two weeks ago. I was away on a work trip in a peaceful and quiet hotel at the foot of Africa’s tallest mountain. The day before had been pretty full and I had gone to bed very exhausted. I work up the next morning feeling very alone in an Elijah-under-the-Juniper-tree kind of way. 🙃 Don’t worry. That is just a really confusing way of saying that I was feeling sorry for myself.

Can you guess the first thought that came to my mind? 🤔 I thought if only I had a husband, I would call him now and he would help me feel better 😳 I kid you not. I actually thought that. And in that very instant, I felt wave after crippling wave of loneliness sweep over me. In fact, there aren’t sufficient words to describe the weight of the loneliness that I felt. Nothing else seemed to matter except the fact that I did not have a husband. Here I was living the life that most people only dream about. I was traveling more often than even I could keep up with, meeting some really cool individuals in some really cool places and doing the things I not only enjoy doing but am called to. I could think of a hundred other people who would give an arm and a leg to be in that hotel room at that very moment but the only thing that seemed to catch my attention about my life was what I didn’t have. How narrow-minded can one get? I know it sounds silly to read but, believe me, in that moment, it was everything. I was doomed because of the one thing that I lacked never mind the one thousand other things that I have been blessed with. Thankfully, I have worked my emotional muscles long and hard enough to be able to distinguish symptoms from root causes. Almost immediately I knew that my actual problem, as was the case with Elijah, was burn out. I had worked so hard and long that my emotional resilience had been eroded by exhaustion leaving me very susceptible to such foolishness.

The root issues were burn out and exhaustion but somehow my very creative mind had managed to figure out that the one thing which was causing it all was the absence of a husband (perceived social isolation) who could somehow just wave a magic wand and make it all go away. The flood of loneliness washed over me after that thought came and not before. It only lasted as long as I entertained that idea which, thankfully, wasn’t that long. Needless to say I wasn’t going to let that silly idea win. I knew that (a) the loneliness had more to do with the burn out and exhaustion I was feeling (b) even if I had a husband there was no guarantee that he would be reachable at that time of the morning and (C) even if he were reachable, there was no guarantee that he would make me feel better. So after a look in the mirror, a good laugh (at myself) and some solitude, I was able to pull myself out of what would otherwise have been a long season of loneliness.

Without any hesitation I can categorically state that this is what my experience with loneliness generally looks like. The pattern is the same every single time. I get too busy with life that I fail to get enough rest, sleep, food, etc. If this goes on long enough, I get disconnected from the relationships and things that matter, exhaustion sets in and I start to feel sorry for myself. When self-pity pushes my mind to make a connection between my situation and the lack of a husband (or other significant relationship in my life – one time it was the lack of my own children to run errands for me 🤦🏾‍♀️), I start feeling isolated and loneliness overwhelms me. The more I learn to identify the cycle early enough, the greater my ability to interrupt it before I get dragged all the way to “Lonelyville”

If there is only one thing I have learnt from my experience it is that loneliness is ultimately a choice. Perhaps I should say it is the result of a series of wrong choices. Agreed – I have no control over what life throws my way; in this case my extended season of singleness. The one thing I always have control over is how we respond. As a matter of fact I always choose how to respond even when I am not being intentional about it. Even in those times when it feels as if I am nothing but a victim of circumstances and my only recourse is self-pity and the inevitable loneliness, the outcome is still a choice that I make. Whether I start feeling sorry for myself and entertain my mind’s suggestion that the lack of a husband has everything to do with it, or I summon the emotional energy to confront the real issues that are feeding the dysfunctional thought patterns is a choice I make. Unlike what I want to believe most of the time, I am responsible for what I am feeding myself when I get overwhelmed by loneliness. Each and every time, I can either reject the thoughts for the lies that they are or give in and consequently feel isolated from everyone else as a result of them.

I don’t always want to be told that I am responsible in those vulnerable moments let alone take any responsibility. At the same time, my mind and emotions have proven that they cannot be trusted to look out for me when I feel most alone. Thus my battle with loneliness is won or lost in my mind based on the things I give myself permission to engage in. I have gotten really good at choosing the alternative 😇 and honing my ability to redirect my emotional energy towards causes that are bigger than me in those moments. Loneliness is always an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation and I always have the power to choose differently.

I should state here that sometimes I really just want to feel sorry for myself and throw me a huge pity party. So don’t make the mistake of thinking that overcoming loneliness is easy simply because it is a choice. That choice is not always easy because sometimes I really do not want to make it. 😏

Yup! Not always easy. But always possible. I try to remember that when the temptation lurks. So, no! I am not single today because I don’t feel lonely.

Are you tired of this elimination game yet? I would understand if you are. But just in case your curiosity has survived thus far, then come back next week for Part 5: Blame. Did you miss Part 3: Children? You can find it here.