Journey with Della

Question; Don’t you blame yourself?

The 39, Single and Happy Series

Of all the questions I have ever been asked about my singleness, this one stands in a category by itself. The first time someone asked me this, I remember being so completely shocked and surprised by it that I literally couldn’t find words to say anything in return. Those who know me know that I hardly want for words so believe me when I say I was completely baffled. I was with a younger “sister” of mine and we were driving somewhere. Somehow the topic of my singleness came up. The conversation went something like this;

Sister: Aunty, I really admire how much you have established yourself despite being single. When I look at you, you really look happy

Me: I am happy my dear. Thanks for the complement

Sister: But Aunty Della don’t you blame yourself?

Me: (😳😳😳and then I steal a glance at her. I was the driving. Picture that movie scene where a driver slams on the brakes suddenly in the middle of the road after hearing something completely funky) Huh? Blame myself?

Sister: I mean when you consider the fact that you are not married. Don’t you blame yourself?

Me: long pause (my mind completely blank but thinking she actually just said what I think she said)

My dear, why would I blame myself for being single?

Sister: Sometimes when I talk with my friends from school who are now married they remind me of all the guys who were interested in me and how I turned them down. Many of them remind me that should I have listened to them back then, I would be married today. And sincerely, I have a hard time trying not to think about the mistakes I have made in the past and how they have contributed to my reality today. So that is what I mean. Do you ever feel the same and blame yourself for any “mistakes” you may have made when you were younger?

Me: 😶😶😶😶😶😶😶

That conversation ended with some version of what I am about to explain here. In order for you to understand most of what I am going to share, it is important for me to let you see how central my identity as a Christian is to how I live my life. 

Basically, being a Christian means that have chosen to accept that out of God’s love for me, He sent His sons to pay the penalty for my sins providing a way for me to enjoy a life of fellowship with Him. 😇😇😇 Practically, it means that my life is directed and controlled by Jesus Christ and that my daily choices and decisions are made out of a deep conviction of what I believe is His plan for me. I therefore trust Him with my entire life and commit to bring him glory and honor in everything I do. This permeates my daily life and redefines the way I see everything. At the heart of my walk with Christ is the belief that my times are in His hands and He directs my steps as long as I daily seek to know Him more and to obey Him consistently in all that I do. 

My definition of success lays emphasis, not only on my personal effort, but on His plans and purposes for me. My responsibility finds ultimate fulfillment in His sovereignty and my soul finds rest in the things that He wants for me. My desires and dreams that do not align with His are abandoned for His plans for me which are always good. 

That said, have I made mistakes in the choices I have made in my past? Yes. Have i turned down some of the people who were interested in me even before they had gotten a chance to declare their interest? Plenty! In fact there are more in this category than those I have actually had a relationship with. Have there been times when I may have taken steps and done things that put the relationships I have had on the rocks? Heck, yes. Can the failure of some of them be associated to the choices that I have made and/or some things that I failed to do which I should have done? Well, nothing answers that question better than the reality that ending the relationships have mainly been my idea. 

But do I blame myself for any of these realities? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! 

First of all, I have never engaged in any relationship without the deep conviction that it was what God wanted for me at that time. Secondly, I believe that success in any endeavor is simply doing my best to prepare for/invest in that thing in the power of the Holy Spirit and leaving the results to God. 

One question I ask when I look back at the things that didn’t go as I hoped (relationships, scholarship applications, examination results etc.) is this did I do everything that I could have done to get the desired result? If the answer is no, i take responsibility for that, make mental notes about what should have obtained, learn any lessons buried in the situation and move on. But when the answer is yes, (as is the case with my relationships) I accept the outcome as part of my Lord’s plan for me.😎😎😎

I have to say, however, that resigning myself to His will sometimes comes with tears as I deliberately choose to die to the things that I desire. But in hindsight, His will is always best. So while I have had my fair share of tears about relationships that didn’t end as I had hoped, I have never blamed myself for the fact that I am in a prolonged season of singleness. Because my times are in God’s hands and my life is not my own, there are two beliefs I hold strongly which have helped me navigate this season with ease.

1. God made me for His purposes and is committed to perfecting everything that concerns me in line with His purposes for me.

2. In His sovereignty, God is able to redeem even my mistakes and cause them to work out for my good because I love Him and I am called according to His purposes. 

God’s love is bigger than my failures and stronger than my mistakes. God’s plan for me is not limited to my marital status. Although He allows me the freedom to choose which way to pursue – his or mine – and in exercising this freedom I can choose to opt out of His will for me, all my life has been lived in pursuit of what He wants for me. That is true for my dreams, hopes and ambitions about life in general as well as my desire for marriage. I believe that He honors this desire for what He wants for me and directs my steps accordingly. As such, not even I can abort His will for me. 

I am therefore convinced that even my extended season of singleness is part of God’s good plan for my life. This eliminates all grounds for self-blame. 

We are gradually coming to the end of this series. If I still have your attention, then come back next Saturday for Part 6: Don’t you feel sorry for yourself? If you missed Part 4: Loneliness, you can find it here.