Journey with Della

Questions: Don’t you feel sorry for yourself?

The 39, Single and Happy Series

If you read Part 4 of this series then you already know a thing or two about my experience with self-pity on this singleness narrative. I, however, decided to dedicate an entire post to the subject because this is probably the question I get asked most frequently by other single women. 

Generally, my experience with self-pity is usually provoked by emotional exhaustion which could be caused by fear of the unknown, overwhelming awareness of the expectations of others and how I fall short, physical exertion and fatigue, frustration with the outcome of a project or relationship into which I have invested a lot of time, mental and emotional energy, etc. 

It usually lasts as long as I tolerate it. And as bizarre as this might sound, sometimes I actually used to choose to be sorry for myself and to sit with it for a while. 😐Why? I don’t think I could ever give you a satisfactory answer. Suffice it to say that those who suggest that the energy derived from playing the victim can sometimes be soothing might actually be right. Somehow, knowing that one is just a victim of circumstances makes going through a situation “easier” in a very twisted way. 😉 Some argue that feeling sorry for ourselves can be a way of shutting the world out and privileging our own experience; a form of self-care if you may. As long as I can convince myself that I am not responsible for the hand I have been dealt in life, I can find some comfort, no matter how small, in embracing this poor me. I suppose this is the reason why some people who have suffered significant loses often get stuck rehearsing this over and over for a long time. Some for the rest of their lives, actually.

Although the victim mindset never really moves one forward in any way, it does serve one a degree of comfort which sometimes is all one needs to make it through the day or night as the case may be. 🤗

The longest I have ever given myself permission to befriend self-pity was about 5 consecutive days. I was on a ministry trip in one of the countries in central Africa and would basically wake up, have appointments with different people through the first half of the day, speak at a youth event in the late afternoon/evening, go back to my hotel room, cry myself to sleep, wake up the next morning and then repeat the same. 😭😭 It was my routine for all five days of the trip.

As I look back at that week and other encounters I realize that the issue with self-pity is not that anyone experiences it, really. It is rather that it almost always results in self-loathing. You know? The kind that makes it hard for you to look at yourself in the mirror for any amount of time without feeling disgusted. This especially happens when a look back at the event’s of one’s life reveals any regrets of action or inaction. I find that the easier it is to associate failure of any kind (in this case, a relationship that could lead to marriage) to something I did or failed to do in my past, the more vulnerable I am to this kind of self-loathing.

As I have gotten older and healed from some of the emotional and psychological baggage I carried from my childhood and adolescent years, I have grown in my acceptance of myself and especially my trust in God and His love and mercy towards me. That confidence has changed my worldview significantly resulting in a corresponding change in how I live my life. 

When one feels sorry for themselves long enough, they will start asking the question but what is wrong with me? This is usually when self-blame and hatred start taking root in a person’s heart. Eventually, shame – the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you – takes over from the guilt that nurtures self-pity. When the line from guilt (I did something wrong or failed to do what I should have done) to shame (something is inherent wrong with me) is crossed, one becomes a self-made prisoner moving around with the appearance of being free but bound by invisible and unbreakable shackles. Like most emotional struggles, this too is a cycle which unless intentionally stopped can keep you spinning out of control for the rest of your life. And it all starts with narrow mindedness – focusing only on the tree instead of the forest (aka focusing only on what you believe is wrong with you or what you think you lack to the exclusion of all the other amazing things that make up your life).

So, yes! I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. But the more I have grown in self-awareness as well as my ability to recognize the signs of this dizzying cycle, the less vulnerable I have become to prolonged seasons of self-pity. Ultimately, my confidence in God and His good plan for my life eliminates all grounds for self-pity. 

At the same time, I actually still think that it is alright to throw yourself a little pity party every now and then as long as you know when to send the party guests away, pull yourself together and move on. 🤗😘 Let’s face it! Life can be hard sometimes but, like Nightbirde said recently, you can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy. How true! Show yourself the same kind of love and compassion you would show another person going through a difficult season. Bottom line? Make sure self-pity doesn’t become your master.

You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy

Nightbirde

Whew!!! What a ride this has been. Next week, I wrap up this series by sharing the lessons I have learned on this journey as well as the secret to being single and happy in a society that idolizes marriage. Come back for Part 7: The Secret.