Journey with Della

A few days ago I was facilitating a training for a team of leaders from about four different nations. As is customary, the first session began with personal introductions. I listened with keen interest as participants shared a little about themselves, eager to learn as much as I could about each one. 

When it came my turn, I said my name and my country and then invited participants to ask me questions as I often find it hard talking about myself.

“I want to share what is relevant to you all,” I explained. “So please ask me anything.”

What was supposed to be a 3 minute introduction soon dragged to 5 minutes and I was ready to be done talking about me when I heard myself say it.

“My father is…” pause.

“…was a pastor with the Cameroon Baptist Convention blah blah blah.”

Judging by the looks on their faces, I think only a few people caught it. However, the most perplexed person in the room was me. 

You see, this was not the first time I referred to my dad in the past tense since August 13 hence why I was surprised by my words. I remember my best friend being so surprised when barely a few hours after he breathed his last, I used the past tense to refer to him. I still remember how she drew my attention to it, surprised that I had made that shift so quickly.

In order not to let my grief interfere with the day’s objectives, I made a mental note of it and willed myself to focus on the training.

Later that evening in my hotel room, I gave myself permission to revisit and relive that moment. What could be the anchor for my word choices that morning? Why did I struggle with referring to him in the past this time? And why did I feel overpowered by that reality despite it not being the first time?

Aware of how difficult the path towards gaining clarity on this was going to be, I kept my promise to myself and confronted this ugly face of grief for as long as I needed to. I will spare you the very ugly and perhaps uninteresting details for now. With your permission, however, let me share some of the lessons I learned that night about grief.

1. Grief finds expression in different ways as different times: As long as the hole in the soul created by definite loss exists, the emotions associated with the hole will take advantage of any outlet they can find. Despite having been intentional about the grieving process, I find that grief can oft times be bossy especially when the work load on my workaholic plate distances me from my emotional reality. At such times, I am emotionally vulnerable despite not having the luxury of engaging my emotions. That is when Boss Grief shows up and drops a subtle reminder like the one I experienced that afternoon to let me know that she (I assign grief different personal pronouns at different times depending on the intensity and nature of the encounters we share. This time, it was a she) cannot afford to be ignored. 
2. Grief often impersonates different things: Why did speaking about my dad in the past affect me that deeply despite not being the first time? Because that is where my grief was hiding in that moment. Sometimes it feels as if I am in a game of hide and seek with grief. As someone who prefers to deal with things once and then move on, I hate to be brought back to something which I thought had been dealt with. Truth be told, it has been a good while since I had one of those unbearable waves of grief. And while I know that this is simply a work of grace undeserved, naturally, my performance obsessed self has toasted a time or two to my progress albeit cautiously. So my new friend (Grief) seems to get a kick out of moments like these when she sneaks up on me as if to say “gotcha!” In those times, I try to remember that although it might be a game that I didn’t choose and quite frankly hate, it too is meant to help me relax and have fun.
3. Grief hates to be ignored: As my friendship with grief has developed over these four months, one of the ways I have come to describe grief is – a jealous lover. Oh yes! Ever been upset that someone you care about but are upset with is having fun with other people without even noticing you? Yeah, it is a very crippling feeling and if there is any of my friends who has mastered the art of imposing herself on me when she feels ignored, it is Grief. I am sure that the only reason why Grief let me get back to what I had to do in that moment was because she knew that I am intentional about acknowledging and conversing with her. Ignore her long enough and she will embarrass you when you least expect it.
4. Grief enjoys conversation: That evening, as has been my custom since the funeral, I invited Grief for a conversation. I asked questions, listened and took notes. And then I asked follow up questions, listened some more, and wrote some more. The trend continued until there were no questions left to be asked. Then I went back and read all that Grief had to say to me that night. At the end I asked one last question – did I hear you correctly? And I listened again until there was nothing left to say/hear. I don’t always want to have these conversations but I have learned that they are a necessary evil in this bitter sweet relationship with my new found friend.
5. Grief bows to my Master: Although I didn’t do it this time, sometimes, I push back on some of the responses I get from Grief. Believe me, Grief is often wrong too. How do I know? I consult My Master – Jesus. He has a lot to say about Grief and I and we both listen to Him. A lot of that is already contained in His love letter to me – The Bible – but sometimes when things aren’t that obvious, both Grief and I listen to His still small voice. His word is always final and somehow always brings Grief and I to the same page. Sometimes it happens in a few minutes and sometimes it takes weeks. However long it takes, I have found His word very dependable and am thrilled that Grief respects it.

Whenever grief whispers, I stop and listen because I hate it when she yells. It worked this time in much the same way that it works every time. It doesn’t make her a pleasant friend to have but at least it movs our relationship forward and that is something significant.