Journey with Della

It is now five months since daddy left us. We have grown stronger as a family and found new ways to be there for each other. However, the vacuum created remains.

The support I have received from friends and the communities to which I belong has been priceless and I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have made it this far without it. At the same time, there are a few things (well, a lot) I wish people understood about my experience with grief and loss so I made the following list.

1. That I don’t expect you to say something about it the first time you see me since the loss. I know you have heard and appreciate the concern you show.
2. That being present is better than trying to explain it away. No explanation would suffice.
3. That silence is a better comforter than words especially those born out of discomfort with silence.
4. That talking about the loss is most helpful only when I initiate the conversation. When I bring it up, there is something I want us to consider together.
5. That I don’t expect you to respond to everything I say. A lot of it is simply me giving my grief an outlet lest it suffocate me.
6. That the path to healing is not a steady ladder but a dizzying spiral. Grief is messy and so is the healing.
7. That the fact that he was a father to you too does not earn you the right to tell me how to grieve. No two relationships are equal.
8. That “welcome to the club” is more insensitive than soothing. I don’t want to belong here.
9. That simply because you too have lost your father does not mean that you “understand” what I am going through. We each live unique lives and have unique realities to navigate.
10. That those same scriptures you quote to me do not magically make the pain go away. Lament is as much a part of the Bible as hope for the resurrection.
11. That the fact that I will see him again or that I know where he is does not compensate for the hole that his home going has left in my heart. He is just not here anymore and that is something I will face for the rest of my life.
12. That when I express my grief in words that suggest the contrary, it actually does not mean that I don’t trust God’s ability to carry me through. I have come this far only because God has carried me.
13. That there aren’t answers to any of the questions I ask that can make sense. I only ask them to help me process this loss.
14. That the fact that I have helped you through some very difficult times in your life does not make me immune to pain. I am weak and needy too.
15. That the interpretations you try to give to every move or mood only serve to push me further away from you. I don’t need anyone to psycho-analyze me.
16. That neither God nor I expect you to be His advocate and try as hard as you often do to explain to me why it was such a good idea that my dad went home to be with Jesus. None of the reasons you advance make any sense.
17. That I must not grieve in a way that aligns with your expectations or understanding of grief and loss. My grief expresses itself in diverse yet unique ways.
18. That sometimes I just can’t make my body do what I want and I don’t always know in good time to give you a heads up. I am often just as disappointed as you are when I can’t make it.
19. That when a wave of grief hits and I reach out for support it is not so that you can come see me. Sometimes it just helps to know that another person knows and is lifting me up through the ugly. Most often, I am not in the mood to receive guests, counsel, or talk on the phone when riding a wave. I do make an effort to call back when I am able.
20. That retelling the story of how he passed or answering other questions related to that often makes me feel worse. There is a lot about that day that I want to forget.

I know that this is a very long list but believe me when I say that I worked really hard to condense it to just these 20. I don’t know that these can necessarily apply to all people who have lost loved ones so please do not make assumptions about others based on this list.

Grief is hard and for the most part, we hardly know how to be there for others when it strikes but there is one question you can always ask the bereaved. It is how can I be there for you today?

This gives the concerned the opportunity to be honest with you and the result is that both parties are helped significantly in the face of something as ugly as the finality of death.

Finally, this list is not intended to engender any kind of guilt in anyone. If anything at all, I hope it helps our future interactions so please don’t try to send me any apologies or explain why you did what you did. The truth is that even when it was not well packaged, I received all the phone calls, guests, conversations, advice and other acts of concern with deep gratitude. I know that all of them came from a heart that cared and nothing can beat that.

Have you suffered severe loss before? What do you wish people understood about your grief? I would love to learn from you too. Please leave me a comment.