Journey with Della

I had heard others describe her before
And I too have talked about her since we met on August 13, 2021
Never a good word to say about her personality
Often the focus is how hard she makes life for all who encounter her 
All who know Grief can tell story after story of just how complicated their lives have become because of her 

My experience has been no different
When we first met, I resented her with everything in me
The hatred I felt for her was deep and I was not trying to hide it
Her very presence took away the joy we had known as a family
It was true not only for us but for every other person who came to our home
The groans, cries, and wails could be heard from afar as people approached the house
As day faded into night on that first day after daddy was gone, Grief literally moved in with us 

Soon her pervasive personality started eating into the very beings of each one 
People started recoiling from each other and finding places to just be alone
Some got irritated at literally everything and would pick a fight with each other for no apparent reason
Relationships that were smooth suddenly got strained and I could feel our happy family start to unravel at the sims 
As one day gave way to the next, she grew and grew until every empty space was occupied by her rather cold and unrelenting self

At first I tried to ignore her and then I resisted her fiercely 
That didn’t quite work so I attempted to explain her away
And Then my focus turned to helping others deal with her
I told them that it would be okay and that with time, we would all be fine 
But soon I started doubting the very words I said as the unrelenting Grief ate her way into my own heart tampering with everything that made me me 
Like an undiagnosed cancer her tentacles spread mercilessly creating malignant masses even in the most gentle of them all

One thing was certain, Grief had come to stay and it behooved me to rethink my attitude
I will make her my friend, I said hoping that she would have a change of heart after that
So, I created room in my life for her and was intentional about spending time with her
Ours was a very complicated and definitely characterized by one-sidedness
While she remained cold and insensitive, I worked hard to love her unconditionally 
Although I hated her, I knew that she could teach me a thing or two, like daddy would always say 
So days faded into weeks and weeks into months and our relationship continued
Soon, I came to terms with the fact that Grief just did not have it in her to be nice and stopped expecting our times together to be any different
Well, until today.  

Today, she smiled at me
It happened when we were hanging out just a few minutes ago
We got together to look back at the months since she moved in to take daddy’s place like we do on every 13th 
Before today, our 13th dates have always had a much more gray tint to them
I expected nothing different when we sat down to our date today 
I came prepared but she smiled at me

I leaned in closer to make sure that it was not simply a wicked grin to mask what was coming 
I will not be fooled, I thought to myself quickly reinforcing my thick and tall wall of self-protection
My heart shall not be toyed with in new ways, I determined casting a quick glance at the pain that has characterized our relationship this past year
I opened my entire being to Grief when destiny brought us together and worked hard to love her right while she on the other hand, well
She has only gotten smarter at messing with my heart and the things I care about in ways that are more painful each time 
So if this is one of her tricks, I will not be the victim. Not again!

But her smile is genuine
Her smile is infectious and although my mind is sealing anything that remotely looks like what could potentially become a crack in self-protection wall, my heart starts to smile back
Stop it, my mind whispers to my heart. Haven’t you learned anything in all these months?
But my head is too late. I feel the smile in my heart start to make its way up to my face
Before I know it, the corners of my lips are pulling away from each other forming an uncontrollable smile

We are now smiling at each other 
The moment extends until it becomes a minute
I feel the trepidation dissipate and the warmth that can only come from a genuine smile envelops my being
I close my eyes, lean back and enjoy the comfort of the smile
I don’t know how long it has been but when I reopen my eyes, she is still there, smiling at me.
It took a long time to see it but it was definitely worth the wait
I don’t know how long it will last, if all our dates will now become smiling dates or if there is a message contained in the smile and I am no trying to figure any of it out 
As long as it is today, I will be here savoring all the magic that happens when Grief smiles at me.